I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
