You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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