toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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