my phone needs a breathalizer
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
