woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We smell like vodka and hangover
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
