I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
