You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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