guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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