Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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