Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
