he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
