YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
