I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
not ubering you a puppy
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