How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just tell him i said nine months
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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