Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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