The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
