I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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