dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
