I'm going to jail i love you
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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