i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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