Walk of Shame. In a state park.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
