dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
