Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
