Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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