then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i think i just lost a toe
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