My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
