ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Too much gin, very little bucket
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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