i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
