If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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