Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
