Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
