closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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