OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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