it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
