He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
