Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
