you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
