just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
