I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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