3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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