I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
