There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
