Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
