my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
