I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
