This is not my ceiling
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
