I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
