sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
