drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
