i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
