When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
